if you want to Try, just Do.

I'm aghast at how little I find myself, as an aspiring writer, writing. I have thoughts for decades and plenty of gas in the tank from supportive friends and family.... even a few raving reviews from readers of the unsuspecting story popping into an inbox at 2am, mere hours before I should be at work......and maybe even in town.

It's so mental (literally, but also in like, the British way) and I'm actually FULLY AWARE not only that it is happening, but why ((fear)), and I suppose this is my "Do". My ass has been "Trying" for over a decade, with hardly 10 years' worth of output for my efforts. Not even a few years of output 😖🥸

Thing is, I'm not a fraud... I haven't BEEN anything or anyone to begin with. I have moved through the chonkiest bits of my personal life with no identity to comment on because I was not given life as a means to be someone. I'm the product of a lack of fulfillment and contentedness in things As They Are. I'm a product of Self-Will Run Riot. ...Of course, this is how I feel. My feelings are valid, but they are not fact. I don't actually know who my mother was or what she was experiencing when my sentience came into play here on earth but having experienced so much time of my own now plus being highly observational, particularly of human nuance, alls I'm saying is that my Origin Story is wonky.

If there is anything in Recovery that I have learned....... actually learned.......it's that Self-Will (ESPECIALLY on a Riot Run) is exactly counterintuitive to the Human Experience.

I am full of fear of being inadequate and I SHUN disappointment like a Mean Girl..... "you can't SIT with us!". Years and years of my life were spent making big efforts not to be too much, too loud, too timid, too dramatic, too skinny (or-God forbid-thicker than usual), too scared, too pretty, too smart; maybe someday I'll strike gold, be it even of the fool's variety, something shiny, that I could be good enough. Since it was most often pointed out by my closest ally as a young girl (guess who, Mom) that I could be doing more or better or less or different, I suppose I froze up a long time ago and have been terrified to make any Hot Moves since, stuck as Just a Kid. Being fluid feels the most natural to me if someone is asking, and I'm extremely uncomfortable from being frozen in fear for so long, so these Hot Moves will be non-committal and wildly un-serious for some time (Sagittarian Moon, anyone) while I get these gears a-grindin'.

Hot Move, incoming. Only took a week'n a half to get this post posted LOL 🥴