the C word, and Maintenance

The thoughts have been eating away at me for .... years, if I'm being honest. I've been dragging a$s for a long time. Been driving for...ever, and can't recall many trips to the car doctor to care for the big hunks of metal I put a lot of my personal trust and dependence on.

So can you imagine my poor body, what it's gone through? Without anyone checking in, asking "How are YOU? Really, I truly care to know." My Human Suit.. I recently mentioned to a friend how Life on Earth (or the Human Experience, as I can often refer to it) has felt like a chore, or dare I say, a punishment for my soul. Soul Prison. I have forgotten how much of an actual blessing it is to be one of the Souls chosen to Get To have an experience like this, where dreams are tangible, the imagination, tactile.

I keep having this vision where I get pretty much there, and I neglected my well-being the whole way, and the moment I wrap my fingers around the strings of my dream cloud to float away..... I find out, it's grey. No, I'm grey. I remember "making a joke" about being worried I might have "The C Word" to my massage therapist and she said, "You definitely don't. People who have that are Grey." That was a while ago. I have been neglecting my well-being, ya know. And avoiding the mirror, or direct eye-contact with Self in the Shadows.

I have a doctor's appointment today. I'm "establishing care" with a PCP, so I'm not even sure I'll find out the answers I don't want, but need. Or don't need, but think I need, but really just want. No idea. He's "in charge" of what I know about my own body, which is totally fine.... technically, he probably does know a helluva lot more than I do. From him, I can get the word to see a G.I and a dermatologist and a podiatrist. Why can't I just go where I know I need to be and cut out the middle man? Ask the Insurance SAHW's (even the bro's give off that Stay At Home Wife- hustle vibe...... insurance is an MLM and you cannot convince me otherwise. If you sell insurance, please know I will never be able to take you seriously when you talk at me).

At this strange time of my life where I'm living in some Fear-Filled-Mind Hell, I came across an experience - the Other C Word....(no, not that one, the Other Other C Word......stay tuned, if you don't know, maybe I'll let ya know someday).... and it's bringing me to life; it's a big Dream Balloon, and I'm so scared that I'm about to find out it's a little over inflated, and it's about to burst.

As you should know, I am just processing over here... You are saying to yourself, "It's intriguing, but still, I have no idea where she's really going with all of these weird, random posts."

Yeah... me either. But if you've read them, Thanks.